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From tamsun!helios!cs.utexas.edu!utgpu!utzoo!mnetor!intacc!jmacd Fri Feb 7 12:05:47 CST 1992
Article: 12751 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!helios!cs.utexas.edu!utgpu!utzoo!mnetor!intacc!jmacd
From: jmacd@intacc.uucp (Jason MacDermott)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: NQCQ Scripts #2 (for Television)
Message-ID: <1991Dec8.041621.2382@intacc.uucp>
Date: 8 Dec 91 04:16:21 GMT
Expires: 21 Feb 93
Reply-To: jmacd@intacc.UUCP (Jason MacDermott)
Organization: Matrix Artists' Network
Lines: 217
Here is another compilation of scripts for the proposed comedy TV show
(in Canada) "NQCQ's Wonderful World of Fun And Torture." These sketches
may be crude, vulgar and slightly warped, but that's Canadian television
for you! If you have any questions or comments, please write to
jmacd@intacc.uucp or timelord@zooid.guild.org
----
"Bells"
A man walks into a store, but the Clerk is nowhere to be found.
He waits for a few minutes, and finally the Clerk enters.
Clerk - "Oh, have you been waiting long?"
Man - "Oh, no, hardly any time at all..."
C - "Well, there's this bell you can ring..." (rings bell)
M - "Agh!" (Man falls to ground)
C - "Are you all right? What's wrong?"
M - "Bells! I hate bells! Accident in Vietnem."
C - "Were you in the war?"
M - "No."
C - (After a pause) "Um, well, what can I do for you?"
M - "Oh, well I seem to have forgotten, what with all the BELLS going off
and all...."
C - "Why do I always get the crazies? Look, I've got things to do. If
you need me, ring the bell."
Clerk rings bell. The man in the store screams, and falls to the
floor!
C - "A-are you alright? What's wrong?"
M - "Bells! I hate bells! Accident in Viet Nam.... Bellophobia is
what they called it."
C - "Were you in the war?"
M - "No."
C - (after long pause) "Oh, um, well, what can I do for you?"
M - "Oh, I seem to have forgotten, what with all the BELLS going off and
all!"
C - (whisper)"Why do I always get the crazies?" (louder)"Look, I've got
things to do. If you need me, ring the bell."
M - "B-but I can't ring the bell, it's...."
C - "Look! Just ring it like this!" (rings bell)
Man screams again and runs out of the store.
C - "Oh good grief!" (Clerk goes into back room.)
M - (After returning) "Ah yes, I remember what I came for... Ah,
hello? Is there anyone back there? I could use some service....
Hello? Can I have some help?"
Man looks at bell for awhile, and then decides to ring it. He scares
himself and runs away, just as the Clerk comes back.
C - "Yes, an I help you? Where'd he go?"
Clerk leaves, man returns a few moments later.
M - "Oh no, not again! Hellllloooo? I NEED SOME HELP!" (inadvertantly
slams hand down on bell, and it rings. Man falls down screaming.)
C - "Yes? Oh, bloody hell. I've had enough of this!"
M - (on ground) "I know what I want."
C - "What?"
M - "A package of cheese."
C - "Sorry, all out."
M - "What? After all this crummy service, you don't have any stinking
cheese? Not even cheddar? Good lord, what kind of shop is this?!"
C - (rings bell repeatedly, scaring man away!) "Y'know, I always hated
this job."
"Cheese"
Two men, Hank and Mr. Feeblebum (a midget) are standing at the
bus stop.
Hank - "Nice day, isn't it?"
Feeblebum - "Yes, it is. Um, where are you heading?"
H - "I'm going to work. I'm with the 'See You In Jail' Accounting
firm for retired broccoli farmers."
Pause, while Mr. Feeblebum looks around.
F - "Do you smell cheese?"
H - "Pardon me?"
F - "Cheese! Do you smell cheese?"
H - "Can't say that I do...."
F - "I smell cheese. There must be some around here. (sniff sniff)
It's old cheddar... Or gorgonzola..."
H - "On second thought, I think I'll walk today...." (edgeing away
from Mr. Feeblebum.)
F - "No, wait.... You haven't got any cheese on you?"
H - "Certainly not!"
F - "Are you quite sure?"
H - "Yes, quite."
F - (pause) "I'm feeling a bit peckish."
H - "Pardon?"
F - "Peckish. I'm hungry. It's that cheese. I wouldn't mind a bit
right now."
H - "Well don't look at me!"
As Mr. Feeblebum walks off, an announcer's voice cuts in with
dramatic music.
Announcer - "And so Mr. Feeblebum is off on his world-wide quest for
cheese. A quest that will involve him in the international Arms
race, grant him diplomatic immunity, and get him pissed at his
friend's (John) party. And now...."
"Organ Seller"
Sam is standing at a bus stop. A man in a trenchcoat, hat and
dark glasses walks up to him.
Trenchcoat Man - "Psst, hey buddy, c'mere!"
Sam - "Who, me?"
T - "No, the other buddy!"
S - "What?"
T - "Yes you, armpithead! There ain't no one else around!"
S - "What do you want?"
Trenchcoat Man opens his jacket, with various internal organs
attached to the insides.
T - "You wanna buy some organs?"
M - "Excuse me?!"
T - "Do you want to buy some body parts? I've got a lovely liver, if
you enjoy alcohol..."
M - "I'm quite happy with the ones I've got, thank you very much!"
T - "Oh come on, look at this kidney," (holds out the gooey organ)
"It even smells fresh! Last you a good three years, guaranteed!"
M - "Go away."
T - "I've got a beauty of a brain here somewhere!"
M - "I don't want a liver, and I don't want a new brain! So screw off!"
T - "Oh please, I've got these gorgeous testicles!"
Takes out jar with two fleshy balls inside.
T - "They're guaranteed 2 years or 500 urinations."
M - "Listen you disgusting pervert! I don't want any of your damn body
parts, and I especially don't want your balls. Now if you don't go
away, I'm calling......"
Man clutches his heart and falls to the ground.
T - Bloody fool. He should have got a heart when he had the chance.
Oh well, at least I have a whole new supplier.
Man grabs body and drags it away.
Copyright 1991 by Jason MacDermott and Greg Warren. 100% Canadian!
" (rings b
From tamsun!helios!cs.utexas.edu!utgpu!utzoo!mnetor!intacc!jmacd Fri Feb 7 12:20:38 CST 1992
Article: 13476 of rec.humor
Path: tamsun!helios!cs.utexas.edu!utgpu!utzoo!mnetor!intacc!jmacd
From: jmacd@intacc.uucp (Jason MacDermott)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: NQCQ Scripts #3 (for television)
Message-ID: <1991Dec18.032152.25576@intacc.uucp>
Date: 18 Dec 91 03:21:52 GMT
Expires: 31 Mar 92
Reply-To: jmacd@intacc.UUCP (Jason MacDermott)
Organization: Matrix Artists' Network
Lines: 258
Here is the third compilation of comdey sketches for the proposed
"NQCQ's (Not Quite Cable Quality) Wonderful World of Fun and Torture."
Originally we had only planned to post the first two sets, but we had
such horrible feedback, we've decided to continue! Actually, only
about half the people who replied didn't like the scripts, and most of
their reasons were that it was a lot like (or exactly like) Monty
Python. There is a good reason for this, as the Pythons were our main
influence when we sat down to write these.
Please note our progress, and reply to let us know if we're getting
better or worse. And to those who called it a "pile of shit" we say a
hearty "Bugger off!"
----
"Silence"
Alfred and his wife, Jane are sitting in their living room.
Jane - "Oh, I forgot to tell you, Mark is coming over for dinner."
Alfred - "Oh no, not Mark! He's the worst conversationalist in the
world!"
J - "Oh come on, he's not that bad."
A - "Please, don't leave me alone with him!"
J - "Oh all right."
Doorbell rings, and then the telephone rings.
J - "You get the door, I'll get the 'phone."
They both get up, Alfred opens the door as Jane leaves the room.
Mark is at the door.
A - "Oh, hi Mark, how are you?"
Mark - "Fine."
A - "Won't you come in?"
M - "Thanks."
Mark enters and takes off his coat.
A - "Here, let me take that..."
A - (After hanging up coat) "Let's go and sit down."
M - "Okay."
They sit down in the living room. There is a long pause as
both of them look around.
A - "Is work okay?"
M - "Yep."
A - (After another long pause) "So, how's the wife?"
M - "Fat."
Long pause. Alfred looks at his watch.
A - "So, uh, where is she?"
M - "Vacation."
A - "Oh, really? Where is she?"
M - "I dunno. Just as long as she's gone."
A - (After yet another pause) "And the kids?"
M - "Playing with farm equipment."
A - "Oh."
Long, uncomfortable pause.
A - "Where is that damn woman?!!"
M - "Pardon?"
A - "Nothing."
Suddenly a large dead fish falls into Mark's lap.
M - "Look, a fish!"
"Complaint Dept."
Wilard walks up to a window with a sign over it that reads
"Complaint Dept." There isn't anyone in the booth.
Wilard - "Hello, my name is Wilard Consgrave and I would like to file
a complaint."
W - (After a short pause) "Um, hello, I'dlike to file a complaint.
Is there anyone in there?" (Looks around.)
W - (Yelling) "Hellllloooo?! Is there anyone about? I'd like to file
a complaint!!"
Wilard runs off, then returns and slams a bell on the counter
and starts ringing it.
W - (ringing bell) "Hello, I'm here to make a complaint! I'm
complaining! Hellloooo?!"
After exhausting himself, Wilard falls to his knees.
W - "Oh god, what am I going to do? No one ever listens to me!"
God - (deep voice) "GO HOME."
W - "Oh... Alright."
Wilard leaves. Later, Wilard is walking down the street.
W - "Ah, that's much better. I'm in control. I'm relaxed."
There's a loud screach, and Wilard stops and looks down.
W - "Oh my lord! I've just stepped on this poor little squirrel
and killed it! What am I going to do? The animal rights
people will come and get me! I've murdered this poor,
innocent animal! Oh god, what am I going to do now?!"
God - "RUN."
W - "Oh, what a good idea!"
Wilard proceeds to run off down the street, holding the dead
squirrel by it's tail. He runs around a corner and collides
with Mr. Preyfus, knocking him down.
W - "Oh my lord, I'm sorry Mr. Preyfus!"
Prefus - "Ack! What is THAT? Is it alive?" (points at the squirrel)
W - (Hides dead squirrel behind his back) "Oh, that... Heh heh heh...
No, that's nothing, don't worry about that..."
P - "But it's a chipmunk, or a rat or something!"
W - "Oh, all small mammals look the same don't they? Don't worry
about this..."
P - "D-Did you... kill it?"
W - "Well it was an accident... I didn't-"
P - "Does the animal rights society know about this?"
W - (getting excited) "Gasp! I hope not! If they find out..."
P - "Look, here they come!"
Wilard runs away, and a group of people with large clubs,
and other weapons chase him. Wilard runs back to the
complaint dept.
W - "I've got a complaint! Listen to me you stinking, lousy
snotrags! I've got a-"
God - "OH SHUT UP!"
Poof! Wilard disappears.
"Dead Fish"
Biff walks in a door with a dead fish on his head attached to a
leash, and carrying a pooper-scooper. Pete stares at Biff as
if he was crazy.
Biff - "Hey Pete, how's it going?"
Pete - "What the hell is that?!"
B - (Feeling his face) "What? Oh, that's a zit, okay? Everyone gets
one once in awhile, okay?!"
P - "No, not the zit, although that is pretty gross... There's a
a dead fish on your head!!"
M - "Oh, that's just Earl, my pet fish."
P - "Why is he on your head?"
M - (Looks at Pete as if he were stupid) "I'm taking him for a
walk!"
P - "Why?"
M - "Because, stupid, he doesn't have any legs. So how do you
propose he loses all that extra weight he's put on?"
P - "Swim, maybe?"
M - "Hmph."
P - "Well then, why do you have a leash around him? I mean,
he's not going anywhere!"
M - "He could make a break for it!"
P - "How?!"
M - "Fish can roll pretty fast, you know!"
P - (Stares in disbelief) "What's the poooper-scooper for?"
M - "Even fish have to relieve themselves, my dear friend."
P - "Yeah, but how big could a fish... poop be?"
M - "Oh, you should see the size of a bass-terd."
P - "A bastard?"
M - "Uh huh."
P - "Have you suffered any head injuries lately?"
M - "No..."
P - "I think that you should go to a phsychiatrist right now! I
mean, who ever heard of a grown man walking around with a dead
animal on his head! It's crazy! It's nuts! You're a wacko!
You're..."
A boy walks in with a chicken on his head.
M - "C'mon son, we'd better get home. Your mother's nack is
acting up again so you'll have to walk the cow on the way
back."
----
Copyright Jason MacDermott and Greg Warren, 1991. 100% Canadian.
- "Won't you come in?"
M - "Thanks."
Mark enters and takes off his coat.